When I first met his children, they were 8 & 4 years old. That's a very young age for all the adjustments in their life they were facing, and would continue to face.
When you decide to meet someone's kids, I feel you need to be sure that you and their parent are going to last. If I wasn't head-over-heels in love, & knew that we were going to one day be married, I wouldn't have felt comfortable meeting his kids! I don't think it's fair to the children to have people in and out of their lives. I wouldn't want to come into their lives, that were already changed from their normal, to not be a permanent part of it. My husband felt the same way. So when we did finally meet it was a sure thing. We got married Aug, 2014.
The arrangement my husband has with is Ex, is that we have the kids every weekend during the school year, and during summer break it flip-flops, & they're here all week with us, then weekends with their Mom. At first this was all so new to me. & I will be honest, a little over-whelming. I've never been around kids. Ever. I'm an only child. I had my cousins growing up, one cousin in particular, that felt like a sister, but we still didn't see each other everyday. I had never held a newborn. Only changed 1 diaper in my life. And here I am, BOOM a Mom, with two kids who are, thankfully past diaper age, but still very dependent on the parents for everything.
With them only being with us on weekends to start, my son thought that I was only there on weekends too, when he was there, he didn't quite get the concept for a while that Daddy & I were married, & I lived there full-time. It took a while for that to sink in. He actually used to hug me and tell Daddy I was his girlfriend. So there were some issues with him listening to me, and showing respect. But this is where my amazing husband comes in. He's an awesome Dad. He has always talked to them if there's been any issues or concerns that came up. He's on top of it. In this particular situation he would tell his son he has to listen to me just like he does his mom, grandma, even a teacher at school. Because I'm his parent too.
Our daughter being 8, obviously understood what was going on. I know it's been a hard, emotional thing for her to see her parents not together, and both remarried to new people. She is such a strong little girl. She took to me pretty easily. Very respectfully. I love her for that, because I know it couldn't have been easy. She was surely more reserved at first than she is now. That was fine! I knew I'd never push myself on them. I wanted them to get to know me for me, and love me in their own time. I didn't want to come in and smother them. Like I said, it's a huge adjustment for all.
You're in this together. All these new adjustments aren't just happening to the Bonus Parent. It's happening to the whole family. The biological parent should always be there to help & make sure that everyone is being respected, the kids & the parent. It cannot be one-sided. If they just sit back and don't correct the kids, or let the new parent feel like they're inferior to the kids, it's gonna make things so much worse. If the Bonus Parent, suddenly doesn't step up and help with the kids, or is overly mean and treats the kids wrongly. This has to be addressed too. You knew your significant other had kids before you got married. You knew it was going to be a lot of work. It doesn't all of a sudden change, it actually gets more complicated. You can't just give up & have a "They're not my kids" attitude. Because yes, yes they are! You love their parent, that's why you got married, how could you not love the kids, they're a part of him/her. They're here because of them. The only way they should be treated, is as if they are your own, because THEY ARE! The Biological parent also shouldn't belittle the Bonus Parent, and act as if their opinions don't matter, because "They're my kids". When you got married, you chose to share your kids with your new husband/wife. Share the parenting. Share the love. If you couldn't do this, you shouldn't have got married.
I have been blessed with two amazing kids, and they have made this transition overall pretty easy on me. And I hope I have for them as well.
When it comes to their Mother, we don't communicate too much. Her & Hubby communicate on any matters concerning the kids. Once in a while we may send a message to each other pertaining only to something that involves the kids. But that's really all. I'd never overstep her as a Mom. There's no underlying hard feelings. I don't really know her. I don't really need to. I know that her kids love her & think she's an awesome Mom. That's all I need to know. I would never speak badly of her to them, which is something that should never be done. Could you imagine being a child, and hearing a Bonus Parent bad mouthing their Mom or Dad? Or the Mom or Dad, putting down the other? Whatever happened between you and the kids mom/dad in that marriage, is between you and that person, you're kids should not be involved in your emotions what-so-ever. Especially when you're both good parents doing your best, with your new life. Like I said it's an adjustment for all that is involved. Make it a smooth one.
We are going on 4 years married now. She is 11, and he's 7. Changes are still being made in their lives. In 2015 we found out we were pregnant with our first son. The kids... thrilled! Which warmed my heart so much. They could not wait to meet him!
He's now 18 months old (1.5years for you folks who don't like the age, by month). They all love each other. A couple nights ago, they were doing FaceTime and little man got SO excited to see his Bro & Sis. It was the cutest thing ever! I could've cried. I am so glad they all have this bond. I can tell he misses them when they're not here. Once they come through the door on Friday he's a happy little guy! She helps out so much with him, & he chases his big bro around every where he goes! (mainly to wrestle with him... *eye rolls* boys) I know as he gets a little older, the days they leave will probably be hard on him. I'm not looking forward to that. You wanna hope in your mind that since this is what he's known from birth he'll be used to it. But I don't think he will be. It also may become harder on them. We'll cross that bridge when we get there!
Now, for the final change (hopefully). We found out in in 2017 we're gonna be welcoming Baby #4 to the family. I didn't expect them to be SO excited! I was actually taken back, their reaction was amazing, what anyone would've wanted. We were hoping for a baby girl, but we got another healthy boy. This my girl wasn't too excited about at first, but she's accepted now, she's gonna be outnumbered. I've told her, it's just more guys to look out for her! I am glad to have known them before I actually birthed kids. It gave me an insight on how kids function. But it was still a totally different ball game, being that I had a 7lb 8oz helpless little being to cater to. You think you're prepared but you never really are, but it was nice to have some experience under my belt.
If you're going to be a Bonus Parent soon, just know you CAN do this! It's not at all easy. But it gets easier. There will be ups & downs. But that's with EVERY family! Blended or not. Family is work! You're a bunch of different people growing & changing together. Different emotions, different feelings, different attitudes & opinions! But with practical wisdom, & a good family support system, with you ALL working together for the common goal of keeping the kids happy and the family at peace. There's nothing that cannot be handled! It's the most rewarding, loving work there is. Embrace the adjustments, don't take things to heart. Do your best, and they will love you for you.
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This is awesome! Definitely gives more insight to your family dynamic because I was definitely curious. I'm happy that it's working out so good.
ReplyDeleteThanks! It's not always easy, but it's great when everyone is on the same page!
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