But Truth Moment: Some days it feels like I have completely lost myself, Where has April gone?
Today was surely one of those days. I haven't left the house since Monday, it's Thursday... The walls really closed in today. Of course I could get out and go for a walk or take little man to the park, but I'm BEYOND exhausted! I'm keeping the toddler alive, and growing a new human at the same time. I'm tired. The past few days I have felt like I'm back in the first trimester, I would literally have not got out the bed if it wasn't for the needs of my son. Then here comes the guilt, he's stuck in the house with me, we do flash cards and he brings me multiple books to read all day, but the rest of the time he's rotting his brain out to Paw Patrol or Finding Dory for the 500th time. I feel like a failure to him on days like this. I want him to be outside exploring, or if we're stuck in the house to be making a mess with play-doh and paint, or something constructive.
There's only so much I can do when my body is begging me to lay down.
Before motherhood took over, I was a Nail-tech, working at spas, pampering others & getting pampered. Having adult conversations, albeit it most was them bragging about the things they had, but hey, it was another adult. I made them feel brand new with some seriously cute nails.
Something I enjoyed to do very much. But now, I don't have the time, I barely do my own anymore. Feels like I'm wasting my talent. I hope to get back into it one day.
We decided when I got pregnant that due to our finances it just made since for me to stay at home, and once again, YES I am very thankful for this. I couldn't imagine dropping my son off at day care, with strangers. When he starts school I'm sure I'll be THAT mom who's crying her eyes out in the car. This was the best for us, and that's why I am doing it. It is a HARD JOB! Everything about being a SAHM is still new to me. It's still an adjustment. Even 17 months into the role. There's no clocking out. No Sick days. No Vacation. When I think I got it down pat, life laughs at me. In May I'll have a toddler, a newborn, a 7 & 11 year old up in this house with me! I honestly don't think there is enough caffeine to get me through the days!
The new April is a mom 110% of the time 365 days of the year.
I may have lost the more independent, working, nail-artist April, but what have I gained?
The Love of my son, the pure unconditional love. I have watched him grow each and everyday, stronger & smarter. I haven't missed a single milestone! That assures me that I'm not failing him after all. He's happy & healthy. Tomorrow is a new day. As long as he is smiling, I'm doing my job well!
Over the next few years I'm sure that I'll adjust better into this Motherhood thing. No Mom is perfect, we are our worst critics. It's OK to get tired. To get frustrated. To be mentally & Physically drained, you will always bounce back, why? Because those big brown eyes (in my case) are depending on you to brighten their day & you wouldn't have it any other way.
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