Aug 4, 2015 was the absolute worst day of my life. A call was made
to me early that Tuesday morning that at my mom's home the ambulance and police
were there, and that I need to come ASAP because something is going on. My mom
suffered from Epilepsy & heart issues. This wasn't the first time I got a
call like this. But I felt something was different. My husband rushed to my job
to get me, and we flew down the highway towards My mother's house, which was 1
1/2 hours away. The calls kept coming, worried family members, neighbors. I
couldn't get a hold of my father. I knew something was horribly wrong this time.
When I finally got my Dad on the phone, he said two words that
crushed my entire existence. "She's gone."
I will never forget the tone of his voice. How the earth went
quiet in that moment. My reaction. My husband's reaction. Time literally stood
still. My mother, my best friend, gone? My heart was and still is, and always
will be crushed until I kiss her cheek again.
I can replay every single second of that day, and the days that
followed as if they just happened 5 minutes ago. Sounds, sights, how my body
felt like it was going to split in two. The faces and emotions of my loved
ones. Everything happening so fast, and so surreal.
We were not meant to handle death.
Now here I am, a mother myself, to a 9 month old boy. Everyday I
am amazed by him and the things he does. Motherhood is a journey, an amazing
one full of ups & downs, & I'm just getting started. Oh how I never in
a million years thought I'd experience this without my mother's help, or
advice. It makes me miss her a billion times more. Also knowing she won't get
to see his beautiful face for quite some time, it's depressing, no other way to
describe it. Just purely depressing. But I do know the day she finally
does meet him, she will instantly be in love.
Everything he does makes me wonder if I did that as a baby with my
mom, and how she handled it. Mom rocked back and forth all the time. I catch
myself doing it to rock my son to sleep, is that why Mom did, and it became a
habit she couldn't break? Every time I catch myself rocking I can't help but to
smile & wonder, and fight the tears. Did I wear her out the way he wears me
out? Did I cling to her & look for her in a crowd the way he does me? Did I
cry every time she walked away? Did I fight naps like he does? I have a million
questions, I yearn so badly to call or text her to hear her answers.
Motherhood is hard, not having your mother's support that only she
can give you, makes it a lot harder. I have family that loves me & my son,
& they have helped me & will continue to do so. But there will always
be a void no one can fill but her.
Never take your mothers for granted. Thank them for their hard
work. Kiss them. Hug them. Love them endlessly. Because they did all that and a
ton more for you. As soon as I see my mom in the resurrection, after hugging
her so hard, I will be letting her know just how thankful I am for the hard
work she put into making me the woman I am today. Until then I'll lean on &
absorb the strength God & my family gives me.
For information about the Resurrection hope I so strongly believe
in please visit: JW.org
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